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Four pieces, in one place
Let’s talk grief.
Here in the northern hemisphere we are in the depth of winter and this has a way of instigating internal reflection. I like to say that if you don’t know how to feel or how you feel just look at the trees. The exposed branches of the deciduous trees reflect back to us our own bone truth.
Grief, what are we talking about? What is grief? What does it look and sound like?
Physical and/or emotional heaviness. Density. Difficulty breathing, constipation or diarrhea. Weeping. Sighing. Distant stares, often partnered with apathy or fatigue. Sometimes shows up as anger or irritably, especially towards things that are not usually bothersome. Sinus issues. Over sleeping. Despondence. Disinterest, even in things you know or used to know you loved. Distracting yourself, only wanting to _____, filling in the blank to escape. For me it’s watch sci-fi. These are signs for me to check in on my self, am I sad or tired? Or both? When you check out, consciously or unconsciously, it’s usually because you’re avoiding something like your feelings, or the need for rest. No shame in checking out, mind you, it’s all our right. Let’s just get real about if it’s coming form a choice to take a break or is it just happening automatically? This is not a question of moral judgement, it’s about consciousness and lifestyle. Do you know when you are checking out? Do you recognize it before you do it, during or after? Can you tell when it is constructive and resetting and when it is damaging and neglectful of self or life? These questions apply to my whole email series on “Trusting The Depths.”
Grief carves up. Picture a canyon carved by water. We grieve in proportion to how much we care. Grieving is what happens when we let our caring dig deeper into our being then before. Those canals are the same canals that your love and empathy flow though. Your ability to be empathic and feel, give, receive, and be love is determining of how intimate a life you live. Intimacy is not just between people, we also have degrees of intimacy with our own self.
Our dominant culture sucks at grieving. Sad=bad to most people and feeling down is responded to with a well intended “perk up it’s not that bad” or “it’s okay.” TO which I reply, “YES! It is okay to feel sad, or down, or cry. Exactly!” Which is not always what people mean, and yet I either say it out loud or in my head to make sure I am clear about how it is okay. Change “It’s okay, don’t cry” to, “It’s okay to cry.”
Did you know that when we cry the hormones that carry the sadness through our bodies come out in our tears? IN THEM! Multiple Chinese Medicine Doctors have told me,“Taste your tears.” Tears taste different depending on your emotions. Happy tears are sweet. Sad tears are salty. Angry tears are bitter. To taste them we have to let them flow. The flowing of tears is medicine for the person who cries, and also for any who are blessed to be in the presence of your sacred river, sacred rain.
Many people don’t know how to feel sad, while others can’t step out of a cycle of sadness that brings them back to where they started instead of somewhere new. When we allow ourselves to fully grieve it takes us THROUGH not back. It leads us into the next. If weeping cycles back to the beginning, then it’s weeping that is missing something. It doesn’t need to stop it just needs something added to it. Its like a vehicle with tires on only one side: At full speed you still just drive in circles, but add additional tires, and that same force takes you across the land in front of you. Your body knows how to do the full grieving process, but we’ve been culturally conditioned not to do it. So if you find yourself stuck there are things you can do to relax and feel like you have enough space and permission to let your natural process take over.
Ritual is one of my top ways of supporting, setting the groundwork and (re) learning how to grieve.
You can see two different grief rituals here:
1. For general grief
2. For grief specific to the loss of a loved one, death or relationship change.
Letting go and letting be is something that can be learned. Watching a person cry or weep who has practiced is one of the most stunning and inspiring things I’ve seen. I can tell from head to toe if someone is MOVING grief through or if someone is holding, feeding, or resisting grief.
Community is powerful, because like all feelings, grief is not ours personally but ours collectively. It is our grief, the grief that we must all learn to live with as it passes through. Finding confidence in bearing it, allowing it to finish its course with us. Walking in partnership with what Grief has to show, teach, guide and teach us. Keeping these feelings behind closed doors is part of our cultural wounding and isolation that contributes to us feeling bad about feeling a certain way. Opportunities to feel deeply with others is a gift.
We can do this work alone, and some of it we must do alone, but not all of it. The learning is often expedited and the healing profound when we do it together.
The next post in the series is about rage.
I am inviting you to join me at the Lions & Dragons Workshop where together we will learn the theory and practice of being with and transmuting what can be life-deadening into life-awakening. Really, I know because I’ve taken (and continue to deepen ) this journey with my grief and many more people’s. The learning is largely physical skill building and re-framing what we have been taught that inhibits our well being.
Next in the series: Rage · back to the top
If you have been around me for a awhile then you know how I love rage. Anger and rage get such a bad rap. Don’t get me wrong, it can be really damaging and terrible when they are unconsciously running the show. My fondness is not light, will-nilly love. Instead, it is deep respect and honoring love that recognizes rage as a compass for justice and boundaries, and as a pathway to joy, passion and ecstasy.
My rage was internally directed for decades, when the physical pain I experienced, my PMS, the excruciating feeling of wanting OUT of my body was unbearable. I didn’t even know I was angry. When the little box that my rage was trapped in came pouring out I was surprised. Honestly. I thought I was so easy going and sooooooo flexible. It urned out I was just ignoring all of my own boundaries and tolerating things that I knew were not right.
My rage exploded out, and I joined the masses of people who consciously and subconsciously experience anger. I began a daily journey of learning who and what anger was, and how to live with it. First I tried purging it, and that was important and useful to a point. Then, when I bumped up against my own edges that were still hot and irritated, my mother said, “You can’t rid yourself of anger entirely Sophia, anger points you towards injustice. You need it.”
I wasn’t pleased to hear this, still I took it to heart and discovered she was right. By showing me what was wrong, this pulsing pointed me toward how to love and respect myself and others. It was messy to sort out, but beautiful and worth it.
Often our anger is misplaced but not inappropriate. This can be difficult to untangle. We may have a habit of projecting our anger onto people or things; how are we supposed to discern who or what is causing the alarm of injustice to go off? When you become close enough friends with anger it tells you the truth.
My anger and I trust each other now.
This is what I have come to know as home inside of me: Rarely does my anger rage. My anger starts with a little tingle that I know to stop and listen to, and when I do, it’s guard relaxes and no violent outbursts (internally or externally) happen. Anger has a place at the table; it always has a cup of tea if it wants one. I consult with wise Angry Sophia, and Sophia Wise One, not Angry Sophia, decides what I do and how I say it. Unless, of course, I have ignored Angry Sophia’s signals and she comes out to protect me. When this happens I bow and say thank you, and Sophia Wise One comes in a cleans up any messes my self denial caused.
Anger also tends to sit atop a deep well of grief. Working intensely with anger usually looks like waves of anger followed by waves of grief. Eventually either anger gives way to empowered clear vision or grief flows into deep peaceful currents of compassionate understanding.
One of the reasons I love teaching about rage, especially in person, is because when you’re properly supported and given tools to engage with it you learn to befriend it as a really trustworthy ally. Through practice and with support you can learn to allow it instead of repressing or being afraid of it. It can actually (I’m being real here) become fun. After the scary part, rage and anger light the pathway to ecstasy, joy, and loving power. The same path that births a child, orgasms, sings with abandon, and laughs uncontrollably.
This is my favorite top 2 at home anger practices
And if you want to join me for the healing workshop of Lions & Dragons please do.
Next in the series: Shame · back to the top
YO! Shame. Shame is some serious shit. Shame covers the wound that needs to be healed for wholeness, freedom of expression and affection.
We are plagued in our culture by shame and shaming. Shaming can be subtle or shockingly overt and it is toxic either way. And yes, shame is the ally of anger. If someone, ourselves included, is practicing shaming we know it’s an indicator to speak up, stand up, and intervene in a wise and effective way. How do we navigate that? Gently and with a firm hand.
What is shame? Let’s talk about it. Shame is believing you are inherently bad, because of … fill in the blank. Ilanya Vanzant teaches you are only as sick as yoursecrets. And what keeps our secrets hidden? Shame. Shame makes us sick.
Here’s how shame works:
The biggest problem (which can be a gift too) is that we are not as good at compartmentalizing things as we think we are.
We go to keep one thing secret and it spreads: we can’t relax and let our guard down too much because we might let something bad slip out so we cut off our own limbs and pretend parts of our life or self don’t exist while trying to appear alright. The damaging effects are often slow and subtle, so much so that we don’t even notice them happening.
How do I know this? Because when you lift the blanket of shame, by revealing yoursecret, the initial wound begins to heal and then all the other networked restrictions slowly untangle. For me personally I watched this happen over and over, and I have seen it with many others. It’s mind boggling how just one “little” thing revealed can begin to change everything.
The key to shame healing is?
Sharing your secrets.
Yes.
Sharing.
Exposing.
Gah – I know it’s not comfortable. It is worth it. Because shame is the blanket hiding things, the healing is the lifting and removing the secrecy, the said blanket.
Stages of releasing shame:
If this sounds really terrible it’s probably touching something. I have so many stories….
I did a two year personal study where I just told stories of all the things I never planned on talking about. Early childhood humping stories, walking-in on people stories, sexual violation stories, and more. I am freer for it.
Breathe.
It turns out, I am actually more trustworthy now then I was before… not less.
You are invited to bring all of your perfect imperfections to be seen and witnessed and supported. Most things we have shame about are just human stories with nothing that needs to be done except be seen and have someone say, “Yeah, that happened, yup, I still love you.” Then, they see you, accept you, touch you, and say something like, “Yeah, me too, and we thought we were the only ones…”
Sometimes when we admit things, actions or amends need to be made. By owning or admitting something, sometimes it is proper to do something about it. Even then the good news is if you admit it you can make amends. You and anyone else involved has the potential to heal more because of it.
Shame is usually a component in festering wounds. Wounds don’t heal over time, because there is an infection, a lie festering under the surface. Often that lie is rooted in being unlovable.
You are not unlovable.
You are SO lovable.
We all fuck up. We ALL fuck up. We all have secrets. Turns out we are all really human. We are all still lovable and forgivable. You are loved. You are to me. Are you to you?
BREATHE. A good time to hug yourself. I just gave myself one. :) 20 seconds :)
Just so you know, if you come to the Trusting Your Depths
The stories I mentioned were shared over the course of 2+ years. Literally. Often we have sets of stories or perspectives that are ready to be seen and heard at a particular time. Trusting yourself is about meeting what’s already there and what’s organically rising when given space and not forcing anything.
The workshop will help set you up so you know who you can share these things with in a safe and constructive way. Being witnessed is needed, but getting shamed for your shame story is not. We will talk about how to discern when, who and how to share. Brené Brown (the vulnerability researcher/expert) explains that there are 6 types of people who don’t deserve your shame story.
I am inviting you to join me to practice and heal together doing Lions & Dragons Workshop. Together we will look into the heart of ourselves and get clear about what we’ve put in between ourselves and our beauty, power, and true life force.
Next in the series: Sexual Fantasy · back to the top
HEYYO! Let’s talk about something that is inherently enjoyable and that still gets put into The hidden depths.
SEX and FANTASIES.
Sexual fantasy specifically. For many of us, admitting our sexual fantasies (even to ourselves) requires impressive vulnerability, courage, and working through shame.
This came up for me recently when I felt bad and judgmental of myself for having romantic and sexual fantasies. I picked on myself for “escaping.” I talked to a friend about it, who reflected back to me that my fantasies seemed like different parts of myself I was longing to embody, parts of myself that I missed (for example the actress from my years of performance and professional training). Through the metaphors of my fantasies I so clearly saw what I desired in my life. I was shown a map of the things that I had been denying or telling myself I could not have or be. Wow, reality check.
Self awareness is incredibly empowering.
Sexual fantasy can be a powerful place where we see archetypes that we’re longing to express in our life.
Archetype refers to the idea that there are shared universal aspects all of us carry and sometimes embody. We are a mix of many of them. Some common examples are The Healer, The Wounded Healer, The Warrior, The Lover, The Hermit, The Mother, The Martyr, The Devil, and The Fool. A healer, however, is not only The Healer, a healer is also The Warrior, The Lover, The Fool.
Some fantasy can also be about processing trauma, looking for healing, playing out fears or past hurts so as to process them better or different.
If you want to start bravely exploring the potential of repressed fantasy, start first by meeting yourself where you are. Practice using consent with yourself. Ask yourself, “Do I want to go here? Do I need agreements or support to make it feel good? Is everyone (every part of me) on board?” If not, take a step back. If so, move forward gently with plenty of permission to change your mind as you go.
Next, journal or meditate on giving yourself permission to have a sexual desire or fantasy without limitation. Give yourself permission to let it get risque or silly or counter to your usual or moral code. Give yourself a chance to explore what’s there without needing to believe that you actually want to do or be these things in their entirety. Remember, the fantasies may be metaphorical, pointing to elements of yourself that want to be expressed. They may also be expressing things you really want, but at first just take that off the table and let yourself look around, without judgement and with a lot of curiosity. As if your best friend said to you, “Can I confess to you what I was thinking about the other day?” And you say, “Yes,” and listen with spacious love and openness.
Here are some things that people think are not common but are incredibly common during fantasy:
So really, see how much you can relax your judgements.
If you want to explore a more spiritual or intuitive approach to your sexuality listen to this interview I gave as a guest on the Girl Boner Podcast about sex and intuition:
http://www.augustmclaughlin.co
As you may have noticed, I haven’t talked even remotely about acting out fantasies yourself or with another person. I’m not saying they only have to happen in your head (acting out can be an option if communication and consent is there for all parties), I’m saying that learning to trust your own fantasies, letting them play out in your mind, can be in and of itself a powerful tool to get to know yourself better and access your creative self.
As far as I can tell, our dominant culture has sex and sexuality pretty much wrong. Getting it “right” means untangling and discovering the real truth, yours personally, setting yourself free from all the prescribed notions and finding what honors your body, spirit, emotions and mind. Sexuality includes sex but is not limited to it. Sexuality is our creative life force. Finding a way to trust and get to know your sexuality is intrinsic to allowing your creative self to fully express itself.
On the retreat we will talk about how all denied fantasies, which includes sexual fantasy, are expressions of something we have deemed unattainable or inappropriate in or for ourselves. Looking from there we will look at how to translate our subconscious expressions into valid maps and inspirations for our dynamic self to have space to dream and create beyond the limited notions of our world, self, or paradigm.
I am inviting you to work the depths of your body wisdom with one of my powerful offerings to heal in a supportive and respectful humor.
Learn more about Lions & Dragons
Lots of love,
Sophia
PS- It’s important to note that everything I talk about in this series, once explored personally, might bring up things that need to be processed. Sometimes the processing requires the support and assistance of an expert therapist (I love my therapist).
