This is not a treatise, it’s a review of some basics I’ve discovered.
“Adult” in this context refers to applying a number of skills and know-how in real time. In our predominant modern culture, “adult” is something we cross into when we reach a certain age. However, many of us we’re typically not taught or modeled guidelines or behaviors that demonstrate how real mature adults relate in respectful, intimate, and satisfying relationships. For the record I want to say I have witnessed real grown folk. They, dare I say we, are not some mythological creature from the past or idealistic future.
Obviously, before I go on- I am referring to consensual sex.
Adult sex starts with agreements: Agreements first, sex after.
Adults understand that sex is mind altering (it’s supposed to be), SO you want to “sign all contracts” sober, before getting intoxicated. I recommend that before you have sex, you and your potential sex partner discuss and agree upon consent, protection, motives, desired outcomes, communication styles in bed, expectations, and how to navigate unexpected expectations or desires that might arise after the intimacy. Sex changes us, it’s supposed to, so be a grown-up and make agreements regarding how you’ll navigate if/when previous agreements no longer feel satisfying. Adults know people change their minds and hearts, and that’s okay. Agreements can and often need to be changed to remain authentic and to be kept.
Adults recognize that sex is profoundly powerful: emotionally, energetically, and physically. It is medicine. Good for the body and good for the brain, potentially. It’s good for you when it is Good which includes mental/emotional goodness. And like all medicine, when used inappropriately or abused it becomes toxic. Sex can turn from a healing thing into a poisonous thing.
Adults recognize that the things we do effect us and others. We check our own motives, clearly communicate our own boundaries, and take responsibility for our own insecurities or reactions. That’s what grown folk do. We all have a tendency to project our feelings onto others. To avoid unnecessary conflict we do our best to be mindful of when we are judging ourselves and others, and refrain from projecting our judgments onto the other.
Adults know that seduction is not a bad thing, it is a POWERFUL and INFLUENTIAL THING to be treated with immense respect. Seduction is used only after agreements are made and consent has been reviewed, not as a method of agreement making in itself. Seduction altars us, it is a sacred, body chemistry, consciousness altering, and thus potentially healing and awakening force. Treat it with immense respect. This goes for all genders and all types of relationships. Seduction can feel awesome or it can feel gross, and you have the ability to determine which you experience.
In this context ‘lovers’ refers to at least two parties.
(You can apply all the concepts to self pleasuring as well. I recommend trying it. It can be difficult at first, but all the research I’ve ever seen agrees that with practice, in the long run, self pleasuring makes you a better lover to others)
An adult lover shows up vulnerably, honestly, exposed, and as they are, (and then, here’s the wild part) allowing all that they are to be loved. ‘Loved’ means seen, understood, recognized, respected, adored, and perhaps, I encourage, worshiped. (This is contrary to the notion that during sex you are supposed to only show your best side so as to make the other person like and want you. Different options provide different results)
An adult lover also engages in seeing, beholding, and accepting whatever the other(s) bless you with by sharing.
An adult lover recognizes, and plays within, the sacred by dwelling in a sacred not serious mindset.
Being a lover is a big and enjoyable job if you’re up for it.
You are invited to love: feelings, stories, desires, fantasy, trauma-stories and/or scars, nerves, the list keeps going, were talking the scope of humanity.
Being a lover does not mean giving them what they want if you don’t want to! Being a lover means celebrating their truth and yours together. You are not (and should not be) expected to fulfill or meet their needs and desires. You can acknowledge and love on them, and have you and yours be loved on, in ways that feel good to you and them.
When we actually get vulnerable, waterfalls tend to flow. And this does not just apply to women. When we really truly open, we do that, OPEN. And when our bodies share and are loved up they awaken and expand.
This is why being a lover who is not also a life partner can *sometimes* feel easier than loving on someone’s neurosis that you’ve been living with for the week/month/year(s). It can feel easier when you’ve only been hearing about it. However, when you have lover-ing inside of a long-term commitment it can be so deeply satisfying, because you have lived with all that imperfection and still say, “YES! LOVE ON!”
What divinity. EITHER WAY, the way of the lover’s path is to love upon whatever is shared and exposed.
Adult lovers adore and praise consent and clear boundaries.
Adult lovers love a “NO” as much as a “YES.”
Someone who loves you loves your “no” as much as your “yes.”
They want to adore that “no”, support it, discover and HONOR IT. That does not mean our no’s and yes’s can’t activate disappointment, sometimes they do. I can love a response without enjoying it.
All together now!:
REAL LOVE LOVES A “NO” AS MUCH AS A “YES!”
Whether you meet someone today or have known them for 1000 years – that’s the funny thing – the ways of real love are the same. Each lover, no matter how many times before you’ve met, meet truly for the first time every time. For you have never been who you are now, and neither have they.
Adult sex is a place where consenting adults discover themselves and each other as dynamic, changing, and precious beings. It is a place to practice consciousness and cultivate the being you want to be in the world. Adult sex is another mat, another practice space, another prayer place. What you bring to it determines what you get from it and how you are transformed by it.
I, myself, and almost all my clients and students have done major clean-up from having less than adult sex. I don’t always get it perfect… I just find less injury in myself and others when I treat my sexual experiences with as much care as I do the rest of my life.
Who said basics we’re easy anyway? Not me.So I offer you my well wishing and good luck.
Blessings on your sacred body, your temple.
Blessings upon the temples you visit.
May the medicine be rich and delicious.
PS: If boundaries or desires inside you are your gray zone, come spend a day with me in Philly as I co-teach about the transformative power and pleasure of rage. We will explore finding and voicing your boundaries and sharing your voice in love. Learn More
PPS: If being and “adult” sounds awesome, but you’re like,“How do you know or do all those things? No one is really like that in real life,” the good news is that there are people like that and you can learn the skills to become one of them. Teaching those skills and healing the wounds that get in the way form the basis of my work. Join my mailing list to learn more, and check out the 50 Things That Helped Me Heal blog series.