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The surge of clarity that came in April stimulated an immense wave of action in May.
I wasn’t planning on coming to Bali. I wasn’t planning on much really. I have in many ways given up the notion of planning. It has occurred more and more quickly that my attempts to plan have shown me the extent that I CAN NOT control. I have deeply applied some of that wisdom. VIsion? Yes. Inspiration? Yes. Intention and invitation? Please. Plan? Nah.
I, too, am a recovering control freak. In my own way. Being very amenable to changing plans was a defense mechanism for a long time-space during which I had limited access to my actual preferences and desires… so it was easy to go with the flow, I had no attachments… the lack of attachments stemmed from a lack of self-worth and trust. As I claim my desires and preferences the manipulating and controlling habits that would only show their faces to the nearest and dearest of mine have shown their precious and messy faces to me in bold transparency. That easy going people pleasing bumpkin is nowhere to be found these days. Instead, I take up space as I awkwardly give voice to the controlling impulses. As I disarm the mechanism of survival and replace them with communication and vulnerability.
A year ago, riding the Philadelphia trolley system after a carefully constructed heartbreaking plan for submitting my divorce papers… I see the echoes of those days and am learning… give it up, give it up Sophia. What do I give up? And what do I keep? Give up making meaning out of what I am called to do. Just do it. Let the medicine, miracle, and wisdom reveal itself. I keep the listening. I keep listening. I listen and act with that listening more and more and more.
It’s not always easy. It’s getting easier and more graceful with practice.
I am having a little control struggle, right now, right this very moment as I write. What do I share? I can feel the controlling fear creeping in and giving permissions here and pulling back the bit in my mouth in others. Two people have reminded me recently the best I have to give is my raw self. So here you go.
My most recent episode is directly related. I tried to record an episode, I got 15 minutes in and literally said, “I’m being so general… and vague… I’m hiding.” So I stopped recording and walked away. I didn’t know how to share about Bali or my life without sharing what was actually happening. So instead two days later I jumped the biggest hurdle and asked my lover who I am with here in Bali to join me for an episode. Which they did. You can listen to our sharing about what we are up to here and our shared spiritual perspectives on Episode #49.5 “God doesn’t want to be monogamous with me.”
As I said, I wasn’t planning on coming here. Aerin, the love I’m living and traveling with here in Bali came here with friends for a trip and invited me to join all of them. I said, “No, it’s not the time for me.”
So there I was, back stateside, in Philly, getting clear on my desire for a “home” that I felt was mine. I have been blessed with sanctuaries, temples, homes, and beds across the country since February of 2018 and I was longing for a space I could expand this new found self and call mine.
I began to Pinterest. I began to pray and practice on it, to allow myself to feel the unbridled dreamscape of what I was longing for.
On Friday, after weeping and feeling SO TERRIBLE inside, I admitted something I wanted to myself. I wanted to go to Bali, be with my lover, get a space in a lush landscape and do my work and rest and not do work. I said it in one sentence and then I couldn’t unhear what I had been fighting all day and making myself sick over.
It was the end of Passover and on Saturday I wrote this poem before Seder.
There’s no measuring tenderness.
At least not yet, when the vibrational instruments get sensitive enough, they’ll be able to scan me, and show a picture of just how fluid and soft my thixotropic body is.
For now, take my word.
This, this is tender.
Fluid moves vibration. Softness dampens impact.
And all of this is a kind of strengthening of Soul.
Bridging god into form.
The only job, I’ve ever truly been cut out for.
There’s no counting unless the counting is for brain calming soothing.
This remembering is partnered with a holy forgetting. I don’t need to recall those pathways.
The sensation of searing is the completion.
What I know is that my prayers are answered and I asked for heart healing.
In the salty bath water, through the salty tears, thanking the waters over and over,
I could feel my heart healing…
The sound sensation of hurts draining from the very fluid flesh of body, shifting frequency from restriction to function and flow…
This… I know this…
This is healing…
And today, today it’s tender.
And on Sunday night I bought my ticket. On Wednesday, I flew to Denver, where my car was. I drove from Denver to Taos to Sedona to LA. On the following Wednesday morning I flew to Hong Kong, I thought I would write to you on that flight and instead the 14-hour flight had no internet. I did what I do: chanted, reiki-ed, prayed, napped, time traveled across the dateline into the future and began some writing. I missed the connecting flight because we had a medical emergency that landed our the plane in Japan for an hour!!!! The person unwell was conscious as they departed and they did not keep us all in quarantine – so big wins! The plane took off and I got an unexpected bonus day in China.
Every hour from the moment I bought my ticket, after admitting what I wanted, became a profound practice in preparing myself to have it.
Admitting we want it is one thing, letting ourselves get it is another.
It wasn’t “Bali” I wanted. That’s an idea of a place.
What I wanted was the following:
Communing and healing with waters.
Blissful love-making with someone who is just the right kind of weird to match my kind of weird that makes me think my weird is just the best.
Unpacking my things and waking up every day in space I have permission from myself to call home.
Letting the home and peace I have accessed and grown inside me over this life to expand, like my unpacked bags and sit for a minute.
Getting bodywork, a lot of bodywork, a place to finally complete the recovery of my knee.
Relaxing the throat and letting transmissions transmit through me… ahhhh the sound of heaven to these ears.
Completing the game and book in its entirety.
Settling and having the bandwidth to do any work, offer any services, offer the Soul Unification Virtual Course in June which I have gotten repeated messages encouraging me to do so.
Seeing the world and going to new places, being fed and inspired by cultures and new views and sounds.
Satisfaction, inspiration, restoration, completion, freedom, expression, embodiment, self-love, love.
That’s what I was wanting and that’s what I worked every hour to prepare myself to have.
Reminding myself of the lesson of 2018. Risk it all, it’s worth it.
By the time I got on the final flight to Bali I felt prepared to enter into the life ahead of me with gratitude and open eyes.
I watched and worked the stories of panic and permission seeking I had swum in for two weeks from Philly to Bali. Who was I to say yes to myself? The number one person to do it, is the answer.
The process of healing codependence can be intense. I had dream after dream even after getting here of people being so angry with me. Disappointed in me. Twice, I woke myself up in the middle of the night panicked, tending myself as I cried in doubt and concern. Walking myself through processing intense emotions. “This is likely my fear, and even if anyone is feeling angry or hurt that is theirs and not mine. So check in Sophia.” Breathing in, sensing into my body, my root. “Do I need to do something different? Yes. Be kinder to yourself.” I looked around listening for the way through this medicine. I did it by deepening in my breath and listening to my intuitive guidance. Just sticking with what I have practiced for years for myself and with others: radically trusting the medicine as I walk through painful tender places. Feeling the energetic twists of a small child afraid her choices would result in literal death. So binary. So fearful. So sad. I felt all this sadness…
The sadness dissolving.
The sadness was and is so small in comparison to the wellness, the joy, the experience of my life force in my body. The embodied recognition of my immensely blessed and privileged life. My incredible gift and opportunity to help and serve creative spirit and the collective in my particular way. Feeling how full my inner space is with my own radiant self. There I was, here I am, holding this sadness as the Holy Forgetting becomes more and more real. I could feel, I can feel today, that the sadness is healing and simultaneously the trauma and retraumatization and the aches and pangs of harmful lonely stories are falling away. I do not believe these cruel tales of the worthlessness and dangerousness of my being. These heartaches hold less grip on my breath as they show themselves. I sense that soon, in a wholeness that is emerging, I will not be able to recall such a disconnected feeling. The very foundations and base of myself which for so long, generations long, has been pounded with anchors of self-hate, power hiding, woman-hating, queer fearing, sex shaming, medicine denying weight…. Those foundations are becoming whole again. That I am becoming….
And that although I will integrate and remember the wisdom of the chains, apply and live into the knowledge gained by our centuries of abasement, I will, indeed, no longer recall the feeling in my bones.
For my bones remember the light and sound that makes every bond in existence. Every bond in a dance of coming and going. Alive. Changing constantly in its form and changeless in its essence.
So here I am. Thank you for the ways you are here doing this with me.
Breathing and saying yes and thank you to beauty manifesting.
Blessing the wounds revealing themselves in the safe haven.
Strengthening in the vision and wholeness of what is to be on this water planet.
Strengthening in the vision and wholeness of what is to be on this water planet.
Aaaaaaaand, I have a couple of announcements:
I am very excited for the next two weeks of emails, I have gathered a collection of ripe and wonderful sharing! There a Report from the Spider Queen that came through that I am very excited to share. The 50th episode of the podcast is really special and I am excited to tell you all about it when it gets released next week. And another announcement about LIVES I’ll be doing. Exciting times for me.
And, you are all invited to join the Soul Unification Virtual Course: Foundations of Healing! I offered this last summer and it was amazing. I am offering it again this year with additional content, a different format, and more community aspects. And it is going to be deeply beautiful.
I am doing the 8 modules over 1 month instead of 3 months. This will make it more focused and I believe support the integration and application of the work.
A new module will be released every few days. In addition to the modules, there will be a LIVE opening ceremony, 2 LIVE Q+A/Community Calls, and a LIVE Soul Unification Ceremony Video Conference. Registration opens today. And early bird pricing, which is $333 OFF, is open until the 25th – that’s 6 days. The course STARTS JUNE 2.
Please come join us for a month of awakening and integration as you give yourself the skills you need to hone your intuition listening, hear your inner guidance, receive messages from your guides, heal with your ancestors, and bridge and bring through your lineage and unique medicine practices. To say it simply: become yourself. Check out the link for more information, and send a message with any questions you may have.
Love you so much,
Be in touch soon with more magic from the Spider Queen Sanctuary in Bali!