Hey My Dear Sweet Friend,
I have to start by sharing that its been such an intense feeling time. The theme that I have seen from the inside and out is Identity Crisis. Well, Identity Transformation with moments of, “who the fuck am I?”
This is to be expected. Months ago I asked the question, “are you willing to change who you are to have the life you want?” My answer was, and is still YES.
This is simple. For example, am I willing to become a wife if the life I want envisions a lifelong partnership and family merging with legal, spiritual, and cultural responsibilities and gifts? If I do, am I willing to actually become a “wife.” It doesn’t matter the word — wife, partner, Sophia, husband. The question is, am I willing to enact and inhabit this different life landscape, and behave differently?
This is just an example — a commitment to any project, relationship, or vision requires the same change. Will I address the habits that keep me from doing changing in the new way I am now committed to?
So I answer yes and what happens next? Change.
Do you have a hard time with change? If so, I encourage you do the driver’s seat meditation from the spring medicine kit — it’s an all seasons kind of healing.
So here I am now. Changed. A neither here nor there state really. I am not who I was, and yet I am not the embodied self I am moving towards. Note: we aren’t ever fully there because the purpose of the vision itself is to help us grow. Still, there is an equilibrium, an arriving point, a completion that is possible. I have felt it before and that is not where I am now.
In all ways I am more present, more happy, and more myself than I have ever felt before and yet I struggle with recognizing this new experience of self. Who am I? What am I doing?
Ahh human form . . .
I did something amazing last week. I moonlodged. That is when I camp out in my Red Tent Temple while I am menstruating and soak in women’s / body’s wisdom. I was in the moonlodge for the first time in many cycles. Since winter really. I was phoning in during that time, which has its time and place. Calling long distance on a holiday does a lot to keep the family together, so I am not being hard on myself about it. I acknowledge the self care I did then.
This moonlodge was deep. Prayer, meditation, dreams, painting, Reiki, sleeping alone, messages, bath, 4am healing wails with cries and releases, spirit guide medicine. Full fledged on.
I want to share with you one of my paintings from that time. The message came to me during a guided meditation when I went to visit a future version of myself as my highest potential in ten years. I found her at ease, focused, surround by life activity and lounging. She was nourished. She was kind and looked upon with pride and love and compassion — joy. I asked her, “how do I get to here?” I painted her answer to guide me moving forward:
“Treat ALL negative self talk like a child in time out. BEAM love, and do not make eye contact. Useful feedback will come to you other ways. It’s okay to be Happy. It really is.”
This is huge. This is a subtle and immense change. I have spent over fifteen years listening to every little voice that rises in me as carrying something very important. Even the harsh and mean voices. (Which I still largely recommend.)
Now I have this new, clear message. I don’t need to look any further. Negative self talk — which is name calling, like, “I’m such a fuck up.” “Why am I so stupid?” “”Nobody cares what you have to say.” “You’re a waste of space.” “I can’t, I’ll be a burden.” — I hear them all. I think most of us hear those messages these days. I’m open to that being an arcane thing.
NOW I KNOW exactly what the deeper and important lesson is. My inner self is having a freak out and NEEDS a time out, to be loved, and not to be encouraged with attention. Beaming LOVE is very important. Love that negative talk, and do not heed it. Focus on what is actually here in the now that needs to be attended to.
May this support you in your own precious and powerful identify shift. Confusion is essential for learning something new. It’s a sign that you’re not just fitting new information into an old mindset. Confusion means the mindset itself is changing.
Ask the questions. Look deeply. Feel into the wisdom that is asking to be heard and be gentle, gentle, gentle.
Helpful solid advice doesn’t need to come with personal attacks. I believe you can and will listen to useful feedback without bullying yourself or listening to external negative talk. In fact, from what I’ve seen, you’re more likely to be able to advance forward with less intimidation across the board.
I’ve seen it too many times to doubt it. Love yourself — boldly, radically — and you’ll have the energy required to change those ingrained and often fear-based and protective ways of being.
LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
Summer love time.
Many many many blessings to your growth and change and magic,